Uncharted 2

Admittedly it has been a while since my last post, but I have excuses. Firstly, uni just started so I've had lots of coffee to drink and things to be intellectual about. Also, I'm notoriously lazy. But never fear as in my time since the last post I have had a chance to play through Naughty Dog's Uncharted 2: Among Thieves.

Let me just start by saying that Uncharted 2 is quite good and well worth playing. The gameplay is simple yet rewarding, the storyline...well the storyline is...well, the storyline is like the special kid in your primary school class. He is nice enough, but you don't really want to be associated with him. Trust me, that will make more sense later on. I even had a chance to play the online part of the game which was also quite good.

The gameplay is like I said simple, you have a gun, and you point it at bad guys and bullets come out killing them. You can take cover so that when they point their guns at you, you don't die. That is about as complex as the combat gets, but it is surprisingly fun.

What makes it fun is that Uncharted 2 managed to do what Assassin's Creed 2 came so close to doing but failed miserably at. It managed to find a balance between stealth gameplay and straight out action. In Uncharted 2 you often are given an option to run through enemy compounds unnoticed taking guards out one at a time.

What is so great about it, is that the combat can be so challenging at times that the only possible way to get through compounds is with stealth. And when you are spotted, combat can be quite harrowing, making stealth, atleast to thin enemy ranks almost an imperative.

Moving back to the actual combat, it works because unlike almost every game, you're main character isn't some sort of invincible death machine. Getting hit by bullets hurts, and enemies will fight back in melee combat, meaning that a level of stratergy is involved.

So, if you want a game just for gameplay then this one is the game for you. However, we now move into the storyline, which was...well, it was intresting.

The storyline was about as cliched as a french men in a stripey shirt, smoking a ciggerate while eating cheese on top of the Eiffel Tower. One instance that really got me down, was when you were captured by the big boss guy, he didn't shoot you straight out because he "wanted you to see the treasure before you died" and maybe sit down for this bit as the innovation may make you pass out...you escape.

The writing, was also a bit iffy. It's been said that it is very similar to a Joss Whedon sort of script, which is very true. It consists of snarky, cynical heroines, smart talking chisled heros, and some bald russian. What's intresting is that the writing actually won an award at the American Writers Guild. Which I guess is a reflection of Video Games becoming a more accepted medium, but also a sign that people have shit taste.

The dialogue, was corny, overwritten and cliched. But then again maybe it was self aware? which makes it okay? I'm not sure if the game was taking the piss or not, but if so, then maybe it does deserve that award.

The online was also a lot of fun, it did just suffer from the age old problem of people on the internet being assholes.

For instance at one point I was doing a co-op mission, and I needed my teammate, to come stand near me and press Triangle for the mission to proceed. His character did a laughing animation for 10 seconds, threw a grenade at me, and then quit.

That is what we call internet faggotry. And if you're out there reading this Slordin234...I'll get you.

But all in all, get Uncharted 2. It was fun.

Assassin's Creed 2

In keeping with my new found video game blogging I am now the proud owner of a ps3 console. And the only way I can find to describe how it makes me feel is to quote seminal artist 50cent when I say, "that shit is pretty damn good."

Indeed the ps3 is pretty damn good. I have just finished Assassin's Creed 2 and at the outset let me say that this game is one of the better games I have played.



The story follows that of a young Assassin in renaissance Italy on his quest to avenge his murdered family, along the way he discovers a huge conspiracy and sets out on a quest to stop it. during said quest his morality is thrown into doubt as he begins to question whether or not it is okay for him to kill people for the greater good and is thrown into a spiral of self doubt.

That about sums up the first 80% of the game, and so far the story is excellent, then the following happens.

Leonardo Da Vinci makes you a gun, every character you have ever met in the game shows up to help you like some kind of Assassin equivalent of the Super Friends, Machiavelli tells you that he is an Assassin, you then clone yourself to fight with the pope, and it turns out that the entire story has been about aliens the whole time. I'm not joking.

way to ruin a great story, ubisoft, but then again ubisoft are french so it's probably a metaphor for Satre's existential crisis or something.

So, the story could have been brilliant but was actually lame. Oh and if you are familiar with the story and are reading this and saying to yourself:

"but he hasn't even mentioned, Desmond, or the Animus, or the imminent pole reversal!"

That's because if I went into any of that, my head would explode from having to comprehend the shitness of the story telling.

So, the story is a bit of a let down, but that's no matter as the gameplay is as they say "fucking amazing"

and it is.

It is similar to the first in that it is a sandbox style of gameplay, meaning that you are free to go anywhere. You are also amazingly skilled at parcour, so running across the rooftops of Venice and casually dropping two stories onto some poor guard and killing him is amazingly satisfying.

and moving away from the sandboxing the linear missions are great as well, with the right balance of stealth gameplay and action. Unfortunately the combat system is still ultimately flawed, in that it is practically impossible for any number of guards to actually kill you. As they decide the most efficent way to deal with you, is to stand in a circle awkwardly and take turns attacking you.

But disregarding that, the stealth elements and sandboxing make up for it.

There is however the issue of the broken economy system. In this game you can make money and spend it on things like armour, weapons, bullets, prostitutes etc. you're even given a villa that you can upgrade to receive a higher income.

Anyway, the problem with the system is that you end up with a stupid amount of money, and nothing to spend it on. You get the best armour for free, and once you have the best sword, there is literally nothing to buy and you just end up with a huge fortune and nothing to do with it.

This is however a minor grumble of mine, as the economy is most of the time, irrelevant to the actual gameplay.

But all these problems are pretty minor and the game is, as far as I'm concerned, excellent. Definitely worth buying, and then possibly playing.

Assassin's Creed

This blog is now exclusively about video games. If I ever post anything about another topic I give you my permission to finish reading the post, forward it to a friend and then write an encouraging comment (you can also do this even if I do write about video games)

So I finally got round to playing Assassin's Creed on the Xbox, and yeah I know it is 3 years old, but I'm going to write about it anyway.

I'll start with the good, and the good is that this game has made me obsessed with stealth games. I think this moment dawned on me when, in game, I was stalking an interrogation target, running across the rooftops of Jerusalem. When my target took a turn into a secluded alleyway I jumped down from two storeys, landed in front of him, scared the shit out of him and I imagine my character saying something similar to:

"SHIT YEAH MUTHAFUCKA!!!! STEALTH GAMEPLAY"

Anyway, stealth gameplay is awesome.

Now onto the bad, the problem with the stealth gameplay in Assassin's Creed is that while it is brilliant, it is almost completely optional. You are given assassination targets and these guys are often quite well protected in castles, compounds, fortresses etc. But unfortunately because of the combat system stealth is often harder than just walking into the fortress in question pulling out your sword and declaring

"HO HO HO! I AM AN ASSASSIN, HAS ANYONE SEEN THIS MAN! I WANT TO KILL HIM!"

But if you want to play the game properly, you always try and stealth into places, the issue is that in a stealth game that should be the only option or if you want to walk in it should be a hell of a lot harder than it is. This is partly because 90% of the time your Assassination targets, try to fight you. Which in some cases is okay, but at other times is absolutely ridiculous.

At one point the game wants you to Assassinate an elderly doctor because he has been doing some questionable experiments. Anyway so there I was, sneaking into his hospital guards surronding him as they expected an Assassination. I walked up to him ready to stealh the shit out of that guy, when a guard noticed me and raised the alarm.

That was fair enough, except that even when 20 guards were all trying to fight me this elderly doctor pulled out a sword, he obviously carries around with him when he is doctoring, and decided that his best place was on the frontline fighting a trained killer.

This sort of thing really hits home when for the last three missions you actually just fight hordes, upon hordes of enemies. No stealth involved at all, you don't actually get the option, for some reason your cunning, underhand Assassin character has decided he is now honourable and challenges people to fights.

And these fights, while intresting at first quickly become boring as pigshit. Mainly because the badguys evidently went to that school of bad guy fighting where they teach you to stand around in an intimidating circle and take turns fighting you one at a time.

This mean it becomes almost irrelevant how many enemies you are fighting as you are just fighting them one at a time and the process becomes tedious. But it stops being tedious and just insultingly easy when you unlock the move 'counter' which is a one hit kill move, so you spend combat tapping 'x' at enemies.

But that being said it is an incentive to avoid combat and be stealthy, so maybe they did it on purpose.

I know I sound whingey but I swear this is the last complaint I have about this game, and it is a complaint I have about lots of video games...here it goes:

please stop with the arbitary timelines.

There I said it, if you're unsure what I mean I'll explain. At one point in the game, some dude wants you to collect his flags he lost in exchange for information. Why he wants a trained killer to collect the flags is beyond me, and why I don't just beat him up until he tells me is also a mystery. What's even more confusing is how he managed to lose his flags all over the rooftops of Jeruselam. But I was willing to overlook all this until right there in the corner of my screen was a clock counting down from 3 minutes.

Why in the goodname of god, did this guy only give me 3 minutes to collect his flags? What happens after that, do they explode? does he lose interest in the flags? no I'll tell you what happens, I go back to him, with all the flags and he says, sorry you were too slow, try again?

Why would I try again, I have all your flags here, in my pockets, fuck you, just take them.

Even when they tried to explain these time limits it seemed a bit odd. As in one instance where I had five minutes to kill someone because after that my informant was leaving town. Seriously, five minutes? unless I kill this guy? maybe give me a little bit longer. But again, I realise that was just to add an extra element to gameplay so I did let this one slide...that is until the unthinkable happened.

So ther I am innocent little me, having killed this guy's target, rushing back to him my timer runs out I figure oh well, surely it doesn't matter, I've already killed the guy. Nup. The informant said,

"Sorry, you were too slow, could you do it again?"

Kill the guy again? Because I was too slow? sure that makes sense, also you said you'd leave town after five minutes you douche bag, why are you still here.

Okay, I think that is my rage about this game gone, but overall I did throughly enjoy this game and I'm getting the sequel tomorrow. The sequel apparently improves on everything I have just bitched about, so I'm looking forward to it.

Family Guy and KFC

so here I am at 1 am in the morning, I may go to sleep soon, it's hard to tell. Anyway, I've decided to be almost semi regular with my blogging during the holidays just to stimulate my brain.

Also in other news if you type "toothpaste" and "trying" into google my blog comes up on the first page, but I'm not here to brag about my place on search engines. I'm here to talk about why you, like me, should hate family guy.



For a large part of my life I haven't minded family guy, in fact I may have watched it occasionally and maybe even partaken in the occasional lol. But the other day it dawned on me what an abomination that show is, I was driving home from the coast with a bunch of people when my obese, semi-friend, with a beard leaned over to me, chunks of KFC still in his teeth from lunch, sweat dripping from his brow caused by the exhaustion of being alive and quoted a family guy line at me.

This line wasn't actually a joke, it was a lead in to one of those random cut scenes they do. And this is when it hit me, family guy is shit. The jokes are just random, and completely interchangeable and fat people who eat KFC quote it and say things like "giggity-giggity" and do that Peter laugh. That's not comedy, that's you quoting something that wasn't funny in the first place.

And this leads in to a sort of person who can really annoy me, I think we all know who I'm talking about, the guy who doesn't tell jokes they quote jokes from TV shows and movies, not every once in a while like a normal person, but that is all they ever do. They are also probably eating KFC and having a beard.

So in conclusion don't watch family guy and if you do, don't quote it at me and don't grow a beard or be obese.

Oh and I haven't capitalised family guy throughout this on purpose.

The Beach

The Beach, does anyone actually enjoy it?

This is the question that floated through my sun affected brain as I got dumped into the sand by a wave for the 14th time.

Here I am getting sunburnt, sand is going places it shouldn't be, I'm expected to take off my shirt and show off my pale, scrawny body and to top it all off all these beach 'regulars' can spot me as a tourist from a mile away and are giving me dirty looks.

These damned tanned, ripped local dudes are the worst part though, they seem to be straight out of some stupid teen movie, they give me this look that seems to say:

"You're not building a sandcastle but if you were, I'd knock it over then call you a dweeb"

But damnit I'm not a dweeb, I'm just a man, a sunburnt, sunburnt man.

And that is really my main problem here, normally I like the beach but I got badly burnt a week ago and it is still bothering me, so fuck you beach.

Also on a different topic, if you are actually reading this you should comment because then I go higher up the list in search engines. :D

Avatar Revisited

So I recently saw Avatar for a second time, this time in 3-D. And for some reason the second time was actually better. Maybe the 3-Dness made it all seem alot better, because the 3-D was actually really good.

Long gone are the days of Spy Kids 3-D with the dodgy glasses, and sort of red and blue tinge that everything seemed to have. No, this sort of 3-D was actually really good. But I'm thinking the reason I enjoyed it more the second time was because I knew the story line was going to be a massive dissapointment and I just focused on the CGI and it was just fun to watch.

So, turns out if you don't like a movie watch it again in 3-D and then see what you think of it.

Avatar: not the airbender variety

Could it be? Have the holidays really bored me to the point where I am blogging again?

Well, obviously it has.

I suppose I'll blow the proverbial dust off my metaphorical typewriter and then get a feeling of superiority because I just used a really wanky allegory.

The reason for my return to the dog eat dog world of Internet blogging is mainly to write about the jism-fest that is James Cameron's "Avatar". Just to get it out of the way, the official word on this film is:

"It really wasn't that great, I mean it was alright, but you know, I've seen better movies"-Chris McNee. 7 minutes after seeing Avatar.

I'm finding it hard to fathom the mass hype surrounding the film, the story line is bland, predictable and the characters are all two dimensional and we've seen them a thousand times.

The only reason I can imagine that the Internet is drooling all over it, other than the oddly attractive female alien character, is the amazing special effects.

And yes, the special effects where breathtaking at times. They've even been described as a visual orgasm, which to me makes sense as an analogy for the entire film.

Your enjoying it at the time, in fact it feels really good, but then as soon as the film ends you feel empty, you start spiralling into regret and wonder if you should be spending Christmas with your mother, she really doesn't have anyone to celebrate it with after dad died, but she did want you to go to Europe didn't she?

anyway, the film's biggest let down is it's plot. Now, before you start smiling smugly to yourself because you are so freaking clever, yes the film is an analogy for the Native Americans, in fact the plot is stolen entirely from "Dances with Wolves". Noticing this doesn't make you smart, not noticing it makes you borderline retarded.

My biggest problem with the film was that it seemed that every 5 minutes they would turn to the camera and say to me:

"Hey, doesn't this remind you of something? something bad that happened? The Native Americans perchance?"

and then raise it's eyebrows at me and look disappointed.

I don't mind a film that has some kind of message or subtext, but seriously maybe be a little less obvious next time. I felt like I was being beaten around the head for 3 hours with environmental messages and guilt trips about my ancestors actions.

(even though I'm not American, so the McNee's had nothing to do with that)

Moving away from all that the next gaping problem with this film is the formulaic plot.

The plot, by the way, is about as formulaic as a plot could possibly be. From twenty minutes in you can tell everything that is going to happen, and I wasn't happy about it.

All the characters bored me to the point where I wanted the rest of the movie to be them burning alive in a pit. That is with the exception of the bad guy, who shall be known as "Generic Evil General 'cause we all know the military is inherently evil guy".

This character stereotype worked for me because they made him so insanely over the top. He had scars all over his face, killed things with his manly arms and probably drank the blood of homosexuals for nutrients.

Among his many memorable lines were:

"it is my job to keep you all alive...I am going to fail"

"Let's kill those tree hugging monkeys"

and many more, what made him better was that he was so insanely hard to kill, to the point where the final showdown became almost farcical.

So summing up, go see Avatar if you have $12.50 that you don't want to spend on drugs or porn, or any of the other food groups. Or if special effects make you rock hard, then sure go nuts, but if you are like me and you need a decent story or the special effects seem empty, you should probably find something better to do with your time, like start a blog.

Penis; friend or foe?

By Dylan Slater and Chris McNee

It has been debated since the beginning of man; the pros and cons of the male genitalia. Opinions from all shades define the heated debate behind the man’s trouser snake. There are those that say it is the sort of thing a country needs to continue developing financially, whereas some claim that it is immoral. Contrary to both these trains of thought is a philosophy only recently developed; Penisism. From this radical new school of thought comes the idea that the penis should not only be embraced by Australia’s government policy makers but also coupled with the taboo idea of the ‘vagina’.

To understand the intricate and confounding issue that is Australia’s penis debate, one must first be fully familiar with the workings and ideals of Penisism. Penisism holds such ideals as “open your mouth or it goes in the eye” and “don’t worry I’ll pull out”. These two main catchphrases of Penisists are where the majority of criticism is directed. There are those in the community who feel that Penisists are a corrupting force upon society. These critics are generally feminists, and therefore have a biased slant.

The idea of Penisism is sharply contrasted by the idea of Vaginism or as they are known “The Order of the Secret Vajayjay”. The Vaginists hold such values as “I can’t feel that” and “that was it?” It is from this school of thought that Penisism is most heavily criticised. It would seem that the two opposing ideologies are incompatible, this however according to the radical new school of thought known as “Sexism”.

This type of Sexism is not referring to a discrimination based on gender; it is the combination of Penisism and Vaginism. This “Sexism” is though to be the solution to the constant struggle between Penisism and Vaginism that has defined all society hitherto. The Sex Struggle as was coined by Karl Farx-Gerlz, states that there will always be a struggle between the two genders so long as there is a notable difference. It is from this Karl Farx-Gerlz that the idea of Cummunism was created. Cummunism is important as it can be seen as the precursor to the new theory of Sexism.

Sexism and Cummunism, although born of the same ideology, differ greatly on one central and defining idea. Cummunism theorizes the fundamental idea of “in me not on me”. This is to say that Cummunism is not open to original or opposing thought within its structure. Whereas Sexism allows room for negotiation and compromise, for example one of the founding ideas of Sexism is “You rub my back and I’ll rub yours…or something else?” This is a demonstration of how within Sexism the people have a democratic right to negotiation whilst in Cummunism penetrative sex is the only type allowed.

Cummunism allows the combination of Penisism and Vaginism but only in a very limited away. Sexism allows for a negotiation and as such a better understanding of the two genders to be reached. This understanding between the two opposing ideologies allows a co-existence of the two philosophies. This allows a society to reap the benefits of both schools of thought.

And on a different topic...

It has long been my opinion that Bollywood movies were all long winded, dance numbers. But my god, I stand corrected by what may be the best fight scene I have ever seen. I especially love the man's moustache and the sheer about of car windshields that were broken. It really was quite amazing.

And now on a different topic, the other week I went and saw Transformers 2. It was a movie quite unlike anything I have ever seen. It was poetic, poignantly beautiful at times yet heart breakingly realistic. Also Robots blew up.

But what really struck me about it, other than the solid two minutes of Megan Fox running in slow motion, was the attitude of The Transformers themselves.

For a young Transformer, there really only were two options either to be an Autobot or a Deceptecon. This can put alot of pressure on a young robot, growing up is hard enough without having to choose sides in a war.

The problem also presented itself that The Deceptecons had no real motive, yes they wanted to blow up the sun, but that is a very illogical thing to do. It is my belief that The Deceptecons are just part of a self-fulfilling prophecy. If Optimus Prime and his friends sit around talking about how evil and dastardly The Deceptecons are, of course they are going to behave in a certain sun ending way.

If someone were to show Megatron a little love and compassion rather than always treating him with disgust, maybe he would reciprocate it and there wouldn't be a conflict in the first place. Megatron is just a victim of a society were he is seen as a villain based on the fact that he was born a Deceptecon.

This problem also exists for The Autobots. With their holier than thou attitude, no wonder the Deceptecons hate them. Where does Optimus Prime get off being so preachy? If you treat Megatron like a criminal he is bound to behave like a criminal.

I think that is all I have to say, and yeah sorry Declan I know I said I would do this in an essay format but you know...too lazy.

Oh and also here is an intensley depressing photo of Megan Fox, that I thought I would share;

Define: Philosophy

Philosophy: The art of pretending to be deep so as to impress people.

www.qwantz.com

Alt. Art

It is back through popular demand. Well actually Liam said I should and I have nothing better to do as I wait 20 minutes for my delicious chicken and pasta dinner.

Muppets

The Simpsons

Star Wars

(Han Solo and Chewbacca)

Spongebob Squarepants

Avatar

Sexism; Part 2

After reading Chester's blog I realised that I wasn't very clear in my previous blog. So I'm just setting a few things straight and elaborating on what I said and what I didn't say.

Firstly, I don't think I was clear on this, but the degradation of women in these videos doesn't come from them being overtly sexual. The degradation comes from the nature of the relationship between the males and the females. The women are generally being overtly sexual to get the attention of one male who will generally ignore them. It is implied that even though he ignores them, they are still so clingy and need him so much that they hang around trying to win his affection through their sexuality.

And it is this portrayal of a relationship between men and women that is my main problem.

Also I'm not trying to push some kind of moral panic. Sexism in music videos is not the most important issue to be concerned with. And I don't think the media is quite as powerful as some people think. But the media does carry some weight. Especially among younger more impressionable people. And the mysoginist man is portrayed as a good thing or something to aspire to be. I'm not saying that everyone that watches television will suddenly behave like the people they see, but I have known it to happen.

In my old home of Papua New Guinea, the image of the powerful, mysoginist man was very influencial. This could be because of the cultural history of the "Big Man" system. But regardless, in Papua New Guinea with the introduction of MTV 90% of teenagers who were looking for an identity chose to be 50 cent. And the women, who had never been equal in Papua New Guinea and probably won't be for a very long time, went along with it.

But maybe, the effect of these videos in a place like Canberra is less influencial. Infact I'm sure it is.Probably because of the cultural differences or the education level, I'm inclined to think it is a combination of the two.

well, that is just to make things more clear.

Sexism

In the words of MC Vagina:

"It isn't sexist because I'm saying it in song, now shut up and take off your thong"

Before I begin I realise that Chester has already blogged on this topic, but you know, what the hell I'll do it as well.

I was watching some channel V as I do occasionally because it, unlike MTV actually plays music occasionally. Or so I thought. I began watching the 100 hottest or something like that and this song came on, that was about as subtle as a rock being thrown at someone in a wheelchair.

Some buff guy was dancing around in front of his 'pimpin' cars, drinking some product placement wine, talking on his Iphone (which was zoomed in on) and surrounded by what some might refer to as "Skanky Booty Hoes".

I don't care if this guy writes his music and gets product placements, buys pimpin cars and seems to be living the high life. My problem with this style of video is the degradation of women. I mean, this guy had three women hanging off of him as if they were objects. Sure this may seem harmless as my peers and I seem to be able to take this with a grain of salt and know that it is ridiculous.

But this music was in the top 100 which means someone likes it, and someone must identify with the image being portrayed in the clip. For males this means they aspire to be a mysoginist douche bag and for girls it means they want to be brainless, skanks. Neither of which are particularly admirable.

But maybe I am overeacting, maybe this sort of thing has no effect on anybody. And I mean, I'm not trying to write off a certain genre of music, as you may have figured out that I am talking about hip hop music in general. I do realise that hip hop music is not all like this, as it started as the voice of the disenfranchised black man and produced seminal artists like Tupac etc.

And hip hop is not the only genre of music to contain sexist elements, infact I'm sure you could find it in every single genre. Bands like ACDC sing about effectively the exact same thing. I guess my problem is that these videos seem to lack any sense of subtelty, and just come across as insulting and silly.

But maybe that is just me.

Alt. Art

I feel like I should post something and the only thing I can think of posting is some of this Alternative Art that I really like.

Just to be clear I did not do any of this, I just saw it and thought it was really cool so I right clicked and hit save as.

Pokemon

Alice in Wonderland

Super Mario

yeah, just realised that this is taking a really long time. So post is ending here, enjoy the three photos.

Pokemon

Pokemon.

The word evokes many emotions, for me I feel the slow and tedious process of training and evolving the damned things, the empty feeling I get when I realise that pokemon is a vacum that is sucking up my youth and the rage I feel when you press A one time too many at the pokemon centre.

Yes, it is a terrible, terrible thing yet why can't I stop?

I get pokemon urges in the middle of the night I will wake up in a cold sweat and think to myself:
""My God I have it, I'll give pikachu a thunderstone!"

It is painful because I have realised that I don't actually give a damn if my pokemon are good or not but it doesn't stop me playing pokemon.

I spent days people, I kid you not, days growing berries to evolve pokemon. Feeding them to make them love me, my total play time is 250 hours plus the 33 I just wasted on platinum.

So now that I have gotten all this off my chest what am I going to do tomorrow you wonder, when Jack says to me:
"hey Chris, how are your pokemon?"

I'm going to look him sternly in the eye and say:

"really good man, how are yours?"

and pull my DS out of my pocket and continue wasting my life.

because despite pokemon being physically painful it is awesome.