Well, obviously it has.
I suppose I'll blow the proverbial dust off my metaphorical typewriter and then get a feeling of superiority because I just used a really wanky allegory.
The reason for my return to the dog eat dog world of Internet blogging is mainly to write about the jism-fest that is James Cameron's "Avatar". Just to get it out of the way, the official word on this film is:
"It really wasn't that great, I mean it was alright, but you know, I've seen better movies"-Chris McNee. 7 minutes after seeing Avatar.
I'm finding it hard to fathom the mass hype surrounding the film, the story line is bland, predictable and the characters are all two dimensional and we've seen them a thousand times.
The only reason I can imagine that the Internet is drooling all over it, other than the oddly attractive female alien character, is the amazing special effects.
And yes, the special effects where breathtaking at times. They've even been described as a visual orgasm, which to me makes sense as an analogy for the entire film.
Your enjoying it at the time, in fact it feels really good, but then as soon as the film ends you feel empty, you start spiralling into regret and wonder if you should be spending Christmas with your mother, she really doesn't have anyone to celebrate it with after dad died, but she did want you to go to Europe didn't she?
anyway, the film's biggest let down is it's plot. Now, before you start smiling smugly to yourself because you are so freaking clever, yes the film is an analogy for the Native Americans, in fact the plot is stolen entirely from "Dances with Wolves". Noticing this doesn't make you smart, not noticing it makes you borderline retarded.
My biggest problem with the film was that it seemed that every 5 minutes they would turn to the camera and say to me:
"Hey, doesn't this remind you of something? something bad that happened? The Native Americans perchance?"
and then raise it's eyebrows at me and look disappointed.
I don't mind a film that has some kind of message or subtext, but seriously maybe be a little less obvious next time. I felt like I was being beaten around the head for 3 hours with environmental messages and guilt trips about my ancestors actions.
(even though I'm not American, so the McNee's had nothing to do with that)
Moving away from all that the next gaping problem with this film is the formulaic plot.
The plot, by the way, is about as formulaic as a plot could possibly be. From twenty minutes in you can tell everything that is going to happen, and I wasn't happy about it.
All the characters bored me to the point where I wanted the rest of the movie to be them burning alive in a pit. That is with the exception of the bad guy, who shall be known as "Generic Evil General 'cause we all know the military is inherently evil guy".
This character stereotype worked for me because they made him so insanely over the top. He had scars all over his face, killed things with his manly arms and probably drank the blood of homosexuals for nutrients.
Among his many memorable lines were:
"it is my job to keep you all alive...I am going to fail"
"Let's kill those tree hugging monkeys"
and many more, what made him better was that he was so insanely hard to kill, to the point where the final showdown became almost farcical.
So summing up, go see Avatar if you have $12.50 that you don't want to spend on drugs or porn, or any of the other food groups. Or if special effects make you rock hard, then sure go nuts, but if you are like me and you need a decent story or the special effects seem empty, you should probably find something better to do with your time, like start a blog.
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